Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

What’s That You’re Putting In Your Mouth?

The subject of tainted food has cropped up over and over again throughout the last few years sort of like Carrot-Top: Just when you thought it was safe, there it is again! What a frightening individual he is. He’s like some Frankenstein creation- Popeye’s arms, Little Orphan Annie’s hair, and the face of an incredibly ugly woman! I’d feel safer receiving a colonoscopy from a drunken, inbred, banjo-player!


The latest food scare involves Salmonella in the hot peppers… because nothing says La Cucaracha like a good dose of Salmonella, right kids? The last scare I remember before the hot peppers was that popcorn can give you lung cancer. What the fuck? What’s next? Marshmallows causing M.S.? Hot dogs giving us Lupus? It used to be meat that caused all the problems, now it doesn’t matter what it is. Every time you stick some shit in your mouth, you could be feasting on your own impending doom. Comforting, isn’t it? But the meat industry is still a major concern, just check out Howard Lyman’s website if you don’t believe it. Remember him? Oprah got in trouble with the ranchers for having him on her show a few years ago. Mull over this little fucked-up fact gleaned from Lyman’s madcowboy.com:


“Cattle feed now contains things like chicken manure and dead cats.”


Nice! Speaking of chicken manure, did you know that 90% of chickens who have been raised on factory farms are typically fed with their own shit? Then again, nobody ever said that chickens were smart… except maybe “BOY” from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. Can you imagine Foghorn encouraging BOY to guzzle some of his own waste? “I say, I say, hey boy, how come ya ain’t eatin’ yer own shit?!? How ya gonna grow up ta be a big, strong rooster like me if ya don’t eat yer shit?” And then BOY would draw a diagram on a chalk board that he just pulled out of nowhere depicting himself eating his own shit and then puking and keeling over.


And of course we can’t forget Mad Cow Disease. The subject of Mad Cow disease is like a case of herpes, it never fully goes away. Good old BSE… what does that shit stand for again? Bovine Snuffleupagus disease or something? Every time I hear the term B.S.E. I always envision a shaky Snuffleupagus covered in tumors saying, “help me Big Bird, please…apply some of this ointment to my tumors…you’re the only one who can see me.” Actually B.S.E. stands for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy., and it turns your brain into a chunk of Swiss cheese. Have you ever seen the footage of the poor, unfortunate cows afflicted with that shit? They can’t hold up their own weight with their quaking, unsteady legs. They just keep falling down. Do you know what causes B.S.E.? Farmers feeding cows to cows. It’s true, some of these guys serve ground- up beef remnants in the cattle feed that contains bits of bovine brains. In the past certain cannibalistic tribes have gotten the human equivalent of B.S.E. from ingesting human brain tissue. They call it Creutzfeldt Jakob’s Disease. Good old Creutzfeldt Jakob’s Disease, or C.J.D… doesn’t C.J.D sound like some hillbilly who’s trying to make his name sound urban? “Ha, ah’m CJD! Used ta be C.J. ’til ah moved to the big city!!!”


This is why I want to buy a farm and raise my own crops and livestock. I wouldn’t feed the poor whores bits of their fellow cows’ brain matter, that’s for fucking sure. Shit, I don’t even think I could eat the bastards if I had to kill them myself. Have you ever looked in a cows eyes? They’re so goddamned benevolent looking, it’s no wonder the Hindus consider them sacred!


2 Responses to “What’s That You’re Putting In Your Mouth?”

  1. They also do this in most liberal arts colleges.

    Odd coincidence.

  2. What? Contract diseases? I know a degree in Liberal Arts is kind of a disease, in so far as you languish and wither, but as far as I know it’s not terminal…

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