Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Hawaii: Your Paradise Is My Hell

I lived in Hawaii last year and for 8 months of that year I suffered from the worst allergies I’ve had since I was a little kid .Every spring it was the same fucking story, as soon as winter drew its last cold breath and new life began blooming, that was my cue: I’d wake up with my eyelids caked shut with dried shit while snot poured out of my nostrils like melting vanilla frosting. I’m allergic to the dawning of new life, but give me a cold, dead, barren environment and I’m golden.

 

Now, I moved to Hawaii because I figured that this world is pretty well fucked, so why not face the End Times in Paradise? I still think it’s a terrific idea, I just wish I wasn’t allergic to it! As a matter of fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that when I die and go to Heaven I’m going to immediately start sneezing and coughing up piles of putrid shit, at which point I’ll say,

 

“You know what St.Peter, FUCK THIS ANGELS AND HARPS SHIT-send me to fucking Hell! I know I’m not allergic to brimstone!”

 

And when I arrive in Hell the devil will be a redneck televangelist with a slick smile and a mullet … which just so happens to be a hair-style that is still strangely popular in Hawaii. It’s true; Hawaii is like the island of lost trends. They sure have some good weed though. Which made it all the more bizarre when I saw a Filipino lesbian with a mullet and a mouthful of chewing tobacco drive by in a green monster truck with those ludicrously large cartoon tires!

 

And many people in Hawaii are extremely large individuals… and not large like mainland Americans are, but large like the fucking Rock! You encounter these giant walls of animated muscle lumbering towards you, which can really be intimidating when that wall of muscle is a woman. And it often was. They even have a name for these brutish bitches, they call them “Tittas “, and although I’m not exactly sure what that means, they certainly have big tittas, so maybe that’s it. All I know is that some of those women looked like they could easily devour someone like me and shit out my skeleton in a matter of seconds.

 

But what about that Aloha spirit I hear you cry! Let me tell you something about the aloha spirit: for us Mainlanders the aloha spirit lasts until you start looking for a job, then it’s a case of “Did I say aloha? Sorry, I meant to say FUCK YOU! My bad!” I couldn’t even get a job washing dishes: “Well, you certainly have all the qualifications necessary to wash dishes- 2 arms and eyesight… but unfortunately for you, you’re white!” Or, as they call us white people, howlie.

 

At one point I got so fucking frustrated trying to find a job out there that I was actually thinking about purchasing a werewolf costume and eating their children! And then howling at the moon with the blood of the innocent dripping from my chin-” Now ya got a good goddamn reason to call me a howlie, don’t ya, motherfuckers?!?”

 

Anyway, Hawaii is home to some goddamn gorgeous women. Anywhere you go you’re surrounded by a sea of tits. Who needs a job when you’re living in a sea of tits? There’s a dream no straight man wants to wake up from, huh?

 

“Honey, time to get up and go to work…”

 

“Fuck that shit; I’m swimming with the titties!”

 

Well, it sure as hell beats swimming with the fishes. Anyway, towards the end of my stay in Hawaii I experienced several things that were downright freaky. The first one happened when I was driving up to a ranch where I was assisting in the pyrotechnics displays for a 4th of July party. On the road up to the ranch I saw a spectacle that belonged in a fucking Rob Zombie movie: a goat had been hit by something and it was literally splattered all over the place…A horn here, a hoof there and a whole lot of blood and guts in-between. I was looking over my shoulders expecting to see a group of deranged Mansonoids charging at my car! I can’t tell you how strange it was being in such a beautiful environment and simultaneously staring at a scene straight out of a Francisco Goya painting.

 

The second freaky thing happened that night after the fireworks display, and it almost made the sight of the pulverized goat pale in comparison… a phenomenon that I had never considered before in my entire life; Asian line dancers! I don’t know why, but I had never previously entertained the notion that one day I may encounter a group of oriental hillbillies. I know now that I hadn’t truly lived until I saw those old geriatric Japanese guys with Stetsons and cowboy boots on, gettin’ jiggy with a number of other people who also looked like they shouldn’t be! I had to bite my tongue at the time, because I was drunk and started thinking to myself, “Shouldn’t you guys be carrying samurai swords and doing back-flips off of roof-tops and then silently gliding to the ground like graceful little birds?!? What’s with this line-dancing shit?

 

Another freaky thing involved going to a nude beach. I had never been to one before and I wanted to experience it before I left Hawaii. I had heard that the black sand beach was full of pot-smoking hippies… pot-smoking hippies and nudity? Fuck, I’m there! So I went, but what I found when I got there was something I wasn’t adequately prepared for.  The first thing I did was smoke a jibber in my car, then I made my way down the rocky cliff to the black sand beach, found myself a nice little spot, spread out my towel and sat my ass down. As I looked around in my pleasantly altered state, I saw a couple to my left laid out on a blanket and behind them sat an old naked hippy with a beard ZZ Top would have been envious of. Cool. Then I looked around to my right and I saw a slobbering Pekinese, followed by another couple…the first person was an older woman, then I noticed a man with a goatee… and tits! Leapin’ lizard shit, Sandy! So I decided to go for a swim – to California! You always hear about transsexuals, but it’s a whole different story when one is sitting right in front of you stroking its goatee and rubbing sun tan lotion all over its tits! That’s the kind of thing that could turn you off breasts- at least for an hour or 2!

 

Actually, I really liked Hawaii apart from the drowning in my own phlegm thing and the lack of steady work. I met some pretty cool motherfuckers out there, contrary to the bullshit I just laid out for you. One of them was a midget who casually walked up to me on the beach one day and said to me” what’s up fuck-hole, want to smoke a joint?” I was hooked from the start. His name was BeBo, and he was a fucking hilarious little cunt. He contributed to my radio show a number of times with some of the most outrageous shit I’ve ever heard. So, when he wrote to me the other day, I told him I’d do anything to help him out, other than suck his little midget dick. Hence, this youtube video that he’s been having a hard time getting anyone to listen to because there’s no video to go with it. God, what a brain-dead, unimaginative world this has become. Anyway, here’s BeBo, and you’ll find the link to his site in my list. You kick ass you little fuck-hole!!!

 

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