Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Obama and Cthulhu in ’08


I’m sure that most level-headed people would agree with me that Barack Obama is an articulate, intelligent and thoughtful politician, which seems to be all the proof that news dorks like Chris Matthews need to accuse him of having no personality. But it’s not like John Mc Cain is fucking Bob Hope or something. It’s not like he comes bounding out onto the stage and starts slinging one-liners around with Miss Piggy. We’ve been down this road before with both Al Gore and John Kerry. When did it become a political necessity for our potential leaders to be entertaining? And if that’s the criteria, how come we don’t see Carrot-Top and Gallagher make a run for The Oval Office? Sure, they’re a couple of hacks, but look at who our president’s been for the last 7 years! A coke-snorting, drunk-driving, prisoner-frying, oil-guzzling retard; the political equivalent of Eddie Munster (no offense to Eddie Munster). I suppose that’s entertaining in a rubber-necker kind of a way. Personally speaking, I found it pretty entertaining when I discovered that the Dubya in his name stood for Walker, because it lead me to nickname him Wally, which is a western European term for an idiot. I bet his middle name really is Wally, and ‘Walker’ is just another example of Republican spin-doctoring: “No, no, no, his middle name can’t be Wally, that just won’t cut the mustard. We need to make it into something a little more suave…say, for instance, Walker. Yes, Walker, that’s a suitable middle name… closely related to Wally, but with a more Chuck Norrisy sound to it. It makes him sound like a tough-as-nails kind of Wally.”

I had a strange encounter at a bar a couple of months before the 2000 presidential election that kind of under-scores my meandering point. 2 very drunken fellows were sitting beside me criticizing Al Gore, so I got involved in their conversation and asked one of them about Wally. I believe I said to the guy that Bush is “like a dumb dog with its tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth frantically humping your leg”, and the guy actually said to me, “Well, who would you rather drink with?” And I said to him, “Keith Moon…Keith Moon is who I’d rather drink with. And Keith and I would go pick up Bon Scott and John Belushi and head on over to the Playboy Mansion for a night of drunken, drug-fueled whore-mongering”. Actually, that last bit was bullshit, what I actually expressed to this person, with the seemingly kill-joy point of view, was that I didn’t think that was a good approach to deciding who should be the next Commander-In-Chief. And the guy looked at me all cock-eyed and said, “Well I know who I’d rather drink with…Bush! Fuck Gore! Bush don’t bother me with no save the planet, tree huggery-buggery, po-lit-ically correct boolsheet. Bush talk all ’bout how much fun it is to fry retards! Why, just the other day he was talkin’ ’bout how the Texas Senate was fixin’ to stop killin’ retards and Dubya told them there mutherfuckers, Hell no, I like the law the way it is!!! Kuh-ch-ch-ch! That’s muh boy raht there, man. Dubya don’t take no shit from no-body!!!” Okay, so most of that was bullshit too, but the first part of the quote was true. However it did disturb me to think that there were actually people out there who were going to be voting based solely on whom they’d rather get shitty with. Having said that, it would be pretty cool to see a president stumble out onto the White House lawn and puke all over the podium, and then start crying and talking about how his father didn’t love him. Anyway, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I considered Gore a much better candidate for president. He would have made a better candidate, but not a much better candidate. Ralph Nader would have made a much better candidate.


 But let’s get back to Barack Obama, and his apparent lack of personality. What’s he supposed to do, start addressing the public with Richard Pryor-like anecdotes about freebasing Columbia and lighting himself on fire? What the fuck? I will say one thing about him though, have you happened to notice that his lips are blue? Maybe the real Obama actually drowned several years ago and the man we see running for president is actually part of some top-secret Government re-animation project directed by Herbert West. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll name Cthulhu as his running mate. Never mind negative campaigning, Cthulhu will just devour McCain with that menacing tentacled head of his.


Then again, at times Obama reminds me of that black albino chick from the Omega Man. If you removed Barack’s irises and gave him a set of hooters, he could almost pass for her double, couldn’t he? Just picture Barack with a brown robe and no irises and voila! But even this crap that I’m spewing forth doesn’t detract from the fact that the man would make an excellent president. They keep saying he has no experience. Well, Bush had no experience either, other than fucking up the State of Texas with blatant pandering to big Industry and frying women and handicapped people. So Barack has no experience of making America an unhappy place to live in… good !!! Elect Obama and his lack of personality and maybe we’ll witness his desire to do the right thing negate his lack of experience.



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