Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Bad, Evil, Horrible Santa

 Children and adults throughout the world are in a state of shock today, following the arrest of Saint Nicholas for war crimes in Bosnia yesterday. Over night, the man some call Kris Kringle has gone from the King of Jing-a-Ling, to the King of Kill-a-Ling. It has long been an open question about what the highly admired Santa Claus got up to with the other 364 days of the year, and now at last his diabolical double life has been exposed to the world. According to Reuters News Service, the man once known as Father Christmas had been nursing resentment toward his benevolent image and lifestyle for quite some time. “There’s only so much any man can take, even a Saint”, said Claus yesterday. “I hadn’t slept with Mrs. Claus since 1986 when I caught her blowing Jack Frost, that lousy whore. We only stayed together to keep up appearances. Ever since that happened I never had anyone to have an actual conversation with up there in The North Pole. Those elves may be cheerful little cocksuckers, but they’re dumber than reindeer shit… which was another problem in itself: Every morning for years it was the same old story, get up at the ass-crack of dawn and clean out the reindeer stalls. Do you have any idea how much your average reindeer shits throughout the course of a night? Never mind 8 of the sons of bitches. And I have arthritis goddamnit!!! Those fucking elves would never help me, the lazy little pricks. Did you know they won’t work at all until the first week of November? So I snapped, and in the early 90’s I took off to Serbia one morning after Christmas and hooked up with Slobodan and the boys. They understood me, they felt my pain, and they respected me and listened to my ideas.”

 

Santa has been indicted on 2 counts of genocide for the 1995 massacre of 8,000 Bosnian Muslims in the town of Srebrenica, and for the 43-month siege of Sarajevo.

 

An international consortium of children’s psychiatrists have joined forces and set up thousands of hot-lines around the globe offering free counseling to the millions and millions of traumatized youngsters throughout the world.

 

In other shocking news today…

 

When Superheroes Go Super-Bad

 

Following hot on the heels of the Batman abuse allegations come 2 new disturbing super hero revelations… The Incredible Hulk’s super-strength was apparently not caused by exposure to radiation, but rather from a hardcore cocktail of steroids, absinthe and crystal meth amphetamine that one David Banner had been addicted to for decades. The shocking truth was revealed this morning following an autopsy performed on the deceased Mr. Banner, who was discovered late last night slumped over the steering wheel of his Ford Pinto, which had been parked in front of a well known meth lab in Phoenix, Arizona. Authorities had been monitoring Banner’s movements for a number of days prior to the discovery.

 

The Amazing Spider-Man was arrested outside of an Amazing Video porn store in Pawtucket, Rhode Island today for exposing himself to a couple of senior citizens and their border collie. “We were just out walking our little shnookums, when that weirdo swung down from the roof of those smut-peddlers and whipped out his web-slinger”, said a still shaken Margie Holstenbaum. “What is the world coming to when superheroes are turning into perverted creeps?” What indeed, Margie, what indeed.

 

The arrests and revelations come as part of a government crackdown on superhero vice and corruption that was announced late last week by the F.B.I.

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