Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

The Vampire Romney

I’ve been wondering lately when Chuck Norris is finally going to throw his weight behind John McCain. I mean, they were both Missing In Action, you’d think he’d be a little more supportive of a fellow prisoner of war. Old Chuck is probably still nursing his wounds over Mike Huckabee losing the Republican Party’s nomination. Speaking of old Huckabeery Hound, I had a great idea for a humorous bumper sticker during the primaries, but it came to me too late:

Anyway, fuck Chuck Norris. There’s been a lot of talk about McCain possibly selecting Mitt Romney as his running mate, and I think that would be a terrific idea, because I love making fun of that guy. I even insulted him to his face once when he was first running for Governor of Massachusetts. He was standing inside my local train station handing out fliers, and even though I didn’t know who he was at the time, I took one look at him and immediately deduced that here was your typical snake-oil salesmen; slicker than goose shit and phony as hell. So when he handed me his flier I took one look at it and crumpled it up and threw it right in the waste basket beside him. I’m sure it didn’t bother his heartless ass, but it was strangely rewarding in a teen-age kind of way.

Remember all the controversy surrounding Romney’s Mormonism? I always thought that was a crock of shit… Romney’s not really a Mormon, he’s a vampire. Isn’t it obvious? He just gets special injections from Kris Kristopherson so he doesn’t burst into flames during the daytime. Think about it, all Mitt Romney is missing is a cape and a widow’s peak. He’s already got the fangs, he made that perfectly clear during the Republican Primaries. I just wish he had flashed those fangs during one of the debates. That would’ve livened that shit up considerably. Mc Cain would have caught sight of those giant canines and declared: “Hey, hold on a minute there, Romney! Did I just see a pair of fangs inside that sneering rictus of yours?” And then Romney would have quickly clasped his hands over his lips with a look of wild-eyed terror gleaming in his eyes, and then, speaking through his hands we would have heard his muffled response: “Why, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about Senator… are you sure you’re not suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s?” And with that, Mc Cain would have whipped out a crucifix and thrust it in Romney’s face, as Romney instantly dropped his guard and began hissing at Mc Cain like a frightened, angry alley cat, declaring in a Bela Lugosi-like voice, “That’s right Mc Cain, I’m not a Mormon, I’m a vampire !!!” As he suddenly turned on his demonic Hoo-Doo/ Voo-Doo shit, and mesmerized Mc Cain, causing him to run around in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. Then Mitt would’ve turned his satanic gaze to the cameras and hypnotized the whole nation, resulting in the early declaration of a new administration openly devoted to evil. The Vampire Romney would have given us Count Chocula as his Vice President, to keep us all quiet and entertained while he carried on with the sinister business of world vampirization.

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