Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Tweens and Other Horseshit

In the lexicon of naughty words, horseshit in particular stands out as something rather special. I’ve come to regard the term horseshit as bullshit squared. Bullshit to the second power. Consider this logic: when someone says “that’s bullshit”, they’re usually mildly amused when they’re saying it, unless they’re referring to something as “fucking bullshit”,  in which case the amusement factor has lowered considerably, perhaps even vanished altogether. So, in my view, the word horseshit is directly related to the term “fucking bullshit” in its intention, therefore we have the scientific equation: horseshit = bullshit squared – Or – fucking bullshit = horseshit.


And since fucking bullshit, or plain old horseshit as I prefer to call it, is the subject of this little diatribe I’d like to make a few observations about one of the biggest piles of steaming, cultural horseshit that’s manifested its self over the last few years, and that is the creation of the disgusting demographic designated tweens. If you’re unfamiliar with this hateful term, then God bless you, the Kingdom of Heaven awaits you with open arms and moistened eyes. If you recognize the term as one originally created by J.R.R. Tolkien to describe the extended adolescence of Hobbits in their 30’s, then you are living in a fantasy world and I can hardly blame you. However, in an article from Business Week from October 2005, entitled Marketing and Tweens, Alicia de Mesa relates how “a tween is vaguely defined as a pre-pubescent between the ages of 8 to 14, 9 to 12, or 8 to 12, depending on whom you believe.” Nickelodeon, The Disney Channel and Radio Disney are the main instigators of this particular horseshit. Take the song Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston, a popular little ditty on Radio Disney. Part of the lyrics include the refrain ” you’re way too beautiful girl, that’s why it’ll never work, you’ll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it’s over…” What the fuck? That’s like exposing kids to an inconsolable Mickey Mouse, totally devastated after Minnie dumped him for Pluto, sobbing uncontrollably as he holds a razor blade up to his wrist! 8 year-olds should not be empathizing with a man expressing suicidal emotions. I’m sorry if that makes me John-Boy Walton, but come on. 8 year-olds shouldn’t even know what the fuck suicide is. But the sad fact is that not only do they know what it is, but they feel it themselves. Of course, they generally only feel that way after their dumb-fuck parents get them a prescription for some hideous behavior-modifying drugs that include suicidal thoughts as a side-effect, but still !!!


Tweens. I overheard a couple of little girls talking about the fucking real estate market on the bus the other day and they couldn’t have been more than 11. What the Hell is going on here? I was still putting on puppet shows at 11 years-old. If you had mentioned the real estate market to me at 11 years-old I would’ve immediately ran way and buried my head in the latest issue of Crazy magazine in a determined effort to drown out your horseshit. Of course, I realize that girls mature quicker than boys, but have you noticed some of these little girls nowadays? What, are they born with tits?!? When 5 and 6 year-old girls have breast tissue, something has gone seriously awry in this demented Disney world. What’s going on here? Hormones in the chicken? Maybe it’s some kind of top secret government plot in partnership with the poultry industry to deter pedophiles from preying on little girls… “Nope, that one has tits…nope, that one has tits… nope, that one has-oh GODDAMNIT !!! Where are the little girls ?!?” Surely they could have found a better technique to deter child molesters. And what about the little boys? Maybe that’s why so many of these perverted bastards stalk little boys, because they still look like little boys. We never see any 5 or 6 year-old boys with half-assed moustaches and zits walking around grabbing their junk, do we? No, we don’t, thank God, and we shouldn’t be seeing so many little girls with tits either. Call me old-fashioned, but kids should be kids. They should be playing with their toys, climbing trees and playing hide- and -go- seek, not thinking about suicide and real estate. And the fact that so many of them don’t anymore is the biggest pile of horseshit yet.

Check out my interview with The Pakistani Spectator. Follow the link above. And don’t forget to visit humorblogs.com and rate my post! Slainte!


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