Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

This Bud’s For You

So it finally happened- InBev has taken control of Anheuser-Busch for a reported $52 billion. Budweiser is now owned by the Belgians and the Brazilians. Good! Maybe they’ll decide to make that rancid shit taste better! That shouldn’t be difficult. I don’t know why people are so upset about this hostile take-over, how is this any different from the rest of foreign-owned-America-Land? At least Belgium produces some of the best beer in the world. Does that make me Un-American? Actually, I don’t give a shit if it does. Let’s be honest about it folks,

Budweiser sucks and it always has. King of beers, my ass, the only kingly part of it sprays out of your bung-hole when you’re perched upon the porcelain throne the next morning. Bud Mud they call it, and for damn good reason! That’s why I don’t drink that putrid, diseased filth anymore. It’s only slightly ahead of Natural Ice in the grimly unpleasant morning after department. Think about it, if Natural Ice is so fucking natural, then how come the results the next day are so unnatural? Unless of course it’s natural for you to SHIT FOAM! Lots and lots of sputtery, shitty foam. Headaches and vomit are bad enough, but who the hell wants that added bonus feature? The foamy, satanic shits from hell! Sounds like some experimental Norwegian Black Metal band. The Foamy Satanic Shits From Hell – Live at The Whistling Asshole this Friday night!
But let’s get back to Budweiser. I think it’s a damn shame that the Dutch didn’t buy that shit. The Dutch might have thrown bales and bales of marijuana on top of the yeast and hops, mixed it all together and then delivered us something that deserves to be called Bud! Bud Beer …and fans of Bud Beer would be referred to as alcohigh-ons and their official mascot would be a Clydesdale with a mane of dreadlocks, a pair of blood-shot eyes and a big goofy grin on his face!!! Who the hell wouldn’t want some of that? What a valuable service they would be providing the world with! The ability to get stoned and drunk on one substance, and not have to worry about lung cancer!!! Sweeeet! But that’s being optimistic and hopeful. The pessimistic and paranoid view might argue that those devious Dutch dicks would load their beer vats up with tons of tulips and change the name of their beloved product to Bulbweiser . And then, just to add insult to injury, they’d put a goofy little tulip logo on every can and bottle. It would end up being some sinister Dutch plot to turn us all into twinkle-toed tulip lovers. And the next thing we know, our new national hero would become the late Tiny Tim, and we’d all be sliding down that slippery slope to Communism, as Tip-Toe Through The Tulips became our new National Anthem! We won the Cold War years ago, we can’t allow those Dutch bastards and the ghost of TinyTim to lead us down that perilous pathway to some sinister Communist dystopia. Why, Ronald Reagan himself would rise from the dead and start feasting on the living if such an abomination were to transpire. We can’t have that shit!

 

But seriously folks, fuck Budweiser. It’s not our national beer, it’s Missouri’s beer. And even if it was our national beer, would you actually drink a shitty beer just because you thought that made you patriotic? What if Natural Ice were the national beer? Would you hum God Bless America as that foamy mess sprayed out of your hind-quarters? What are you, retarded? Anheuser-Busch is a corporate entity which has no feelings – it doesn’t care about patriotism or America! It’s only concern is keeping their shareholders happy, and this little buy-out has done that, so fuck Budweiser – go drink something good!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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