Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Reverend Jason Voorhees and the Psychosis of Jerry Falwell

Let’s talk about slasher films, shall we kids? I think I’ve figured out why Jason Voorhees usually kills teenagers when they’re drinking, screwing or taking drugs. Jason’s a goddamn puritan! We’ve never seen Jason burst into a church with a pair of machetes and hack his way through the parishioners before skewering the reverend with an organ pipe, have we? That’s because when he’s not out butchering “troubled youths”, he’s kissing snakes and talking in tongues down at the local mega-church. I think Jason should become an Evangelical preacher. He’d be highly effective. And he wouldn’t have to talk a bunch of shit like those other preachers. Think about it, he never said a word in those Friday the 13th movies, and he wouldn’t have to as a preacher either. You either accept Jesus as your personal saviour or he slices you in half with a scythe. That’s a pretty strong incentive, don’t you think?

“I’m saved! I’m saved! I found the holy spirit, Praise the Lord!!! Thank God the Reverend Jason Voorhees was holding a scythe, or I don’t know if I’d have done it!”
Speaking of psychotic preachers, the Reverend Jerry Falwell bought the farm and went to hog heaven last year. Some of his public pronoucements before his death have left him with something of a tarnished legacy, wouldn’t you say? Like when he blamed 9-11 on gays, liberals and witches. My favorite Jerry Falwell moment was when he declared his very own personal Christian Jihad against the Teletubbies.

Do you remeber that shit? He was bloviating all over the place about Teletubbies encouraging homosexuality in children. The word Freudian came to mind when I heard him spout that shit. The Teletubbies encouraged homosexuality alright, but not in the children. One day Jerry was sitting in the dark with a glass of scotch, glowering morbidly at the screen, when he was suddenly confronted by these squealing little creep-faced freaks who pranced and skipped around on some weird little hills. And that’s when the Reverend began to experience some feelings that he hadn’t felt in years. A strange, tingling sensation down there in his umentionables… and I bet that just about gave Jerry an embolism…

 

 

“What in God’s holy name?!? The Dark Prince is tempting me with perverse promises of fruity little multi-colored whats-its!!! Good Lord and God in Heaven, SAVE ME!!!”
Have you ever seen The People Vs. Larry Flynt?The film depicts the lawsuit Jerry Falwell brought up against Hustler Magazine over a parody advertisement for Campari, which featured a satirical interview with Falwell, in which they have Jerry reveal that he lost his virginity to his mother when he was shit-faced on Campari. Well, that didn’t sit so well with Jerry. So I guess it’s a good thing he’s dead, huh? Talking about him fucking his Maw was bad enough, but insinuations about Jerry’s latent sexual attraction to children’s puppets would have driven him over the edge. That was probably his deepest, darkest fear… that his deviant desires be exposed to the nation:
 

 

“Dear, sweet Lord and Saviour, please cleanse my mind of these impure thoughts… I don’t WANT to be sexually attracted to fruity little multi-colored whats-its !!! Vanquish this demon from my soul, Lord, and please, PLEASE, see it in your big, kind, generous heart to make sure Larry Flint never publishes a cartoon of me sodomizing Tinky-Winky!!!”
 
 

 

 

 

 

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One Response to “Reverend Jason Voorhees and the Psychosis of Jerry Falwell”

  1. I’m trying to deconstruct the Reagan Myth personally and I bring up Jones and Falwell a lot. Reagan the masked Ax Murderer was under consideration as an approach. Also, don’t forget to tie Evangelical though in extreme to the FLDS, I kinda like that approach?


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