Apocalypso
Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

Quickies

 

·        I’m a little behind the times these days folks. I’m still amazed that Clay Aiken became a fucking media icon! I saw him on Jimmy Kimmel once and all the women in the audience went berserk! Like he was the fucking Beatles or something! What the fuck? Clay Aiken is like a Cabbage Patch kid who grew! When did women start finding Cabbage Patch Kids sexy? Come on ladies, seriously… sleeping with Clay Aiken would be like sleeping with that kid Sam from Diff’rent Strokes!

 

·        Something you’ll never hear: A radio station with the call letters W-H-I-V.

 

·        I lived in Ireland for a long time and people would always ask me:

“Are ya from the States, are ya?”

And I used to reply:

”Yeah, the Altered States. Actually I spent my

entire adolescence there… as a matter of fact I never left.”

 

·        Have you ever noticed how much David Bowie sounds like Katherine Hepburn?

 

·        I don’t understand the concept of sitting Shiva in Judaism. Sitting Shiva? What’s the matter with you people? Go inside where it’s warm and have a cup of cocoa.

 

·        Come join us…be part of the B-Movement!

 

·        Have you ever noticed how often a fart sounds like a question? Or a declarative statement? What are they trying to tell us? And do we ignore them at our peril?

 

·        In Ireland the common greeting when you meet someone is a simple handshake. So, for years I was accustomed to this quaint cultural tradition: The Handshake. But then I returned to the United States and began meeting new people, and suddenly found myself confronted with this bizarre series of ritualistic, freemason-like hand gestures! What the fuck is this shit?!? Just shake my fuckin’ hand will ya? I’m not trying to join some mystical brotherhood here, I’m just trying to say hello for Christ’s sake!!!

 

·        I used to work at an ice cream parlor at a food court that was located directly by the sign for the bathrooms. Now, people always used to come up to me and ask me where they were, as if I was there personal toilet guide or some  shit.Anyway, that was irritating enough, but what really got on my nerves was when people would approach me and just say ” bathrooms?” I always wanted to say “Peaches? Bricks? Emus? Tofu?” And if I had ever said that, I’m sure I would’ve received some bewildered looks of exasperation, to which I would’ve said,”Oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought you were a surrealist.”

 

·        Vladimir Putin. Putin? Doesn’t that sound like some kind of sinister Russian fart? The kind of fart that would make all your body hair fall out before causing you to drop dead. Beware of the Putin…

 

·        How’s this for an oxy-moron: Job Fair. What kind of bullshit is that? As if it’s such great fun looking for a fucking job.

“Yay!!! We’re going to the job fair to find a job!”

Yuppie motherfuckers.

 

·        Good news- for the second year in a row, heroin in New Jersey was found to be the purest in the nation! Isn’t that great? What? You got something against heroin?

 

·        When Batman takes a dump is it referred to as guano?

 

·        Did you know Ireland was the first country in the E.U. to ban smoking in pubs? At the time that it happened, CNN’s headline News had a report about it where they mentioned that the new ban may take a couple of months to become culturally acceptable. Yeah, a couple of HUNDRED months! Smoking and drinking in Ireland are like baseball and apple pie in America. The Irish Government betrayed the values of their own country, those traitorous bastards! Telling the Irish they can drink but not smoke is like waving a titty in an infant’s face and then pulling it away just as the poor little tykes about to suck on it!

 

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