Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

The Demons of D. C. Part 2

Well folks, as I was saying yesterday, I think I figured out why they don’t make good old-fashioned monster movies anymore; all their potential stars are republican bureaucrats. Like Dick Cheney. Don’t you expect to hear sinister organ music every time you see Dick Cheney? Or perhaps Angel of Death by Slayer? Come on folks, this guy shouldn’t be in the White House, he should be in The Pit and the Pendulum, high-fiving Vincent Price every time they slice open a fresh victim. He shouldn’t be arranging lucrative, no-bid government contracts for his oily buddies, he should be crouched under a wooden drawbridge waiting for unsuspecting goats. Or perhaps stirring a cauldron full of boiling children as he hisses

” Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, watch us raze Iraq to rubble.”

Really, it’s like he just stepped out of the pages of Grimm’s Fairy Tales. What the hell were his parents, a couple of trolls? Actually, his mother was the troll, his father was actually Lon Chaney. He just changed the spelling of his surname to try and fool us, that bastard! It makes perfect sense to me, just think about it: Lon Chaney had a successful career portraying evil, disturbing characters. Dick Cheney HAS a successful career BEING an evil, disturbing character. Coincidence? I think not. Just look at the constant snarl on his face. Any time I’ve ever seen him he’s snarling like a diseased cur! He makes Cujo look like Lassie for Christ’s sake! I guess I shouldn’t be SO surprised that he snarls constantly…after all, his own wife once commented that he is so conservative that he has never even done the twist ! Yes indeed, Dick Cheney provides a stark new clarity to the term anally retentive, but so would you, if the devil lived in your asshole! That’s something a little Preparation H won’t cure.

I personally believe he has to snarl because anytime he tries to smile he has a heart attack. Well, do you have a better explanation? One thing I am puzzled about though: wouldn’t you think that in order to have a heart attack you kind of need a heart? I bet if you asked Dick Cheney to have a heart he’d tell you,” No thanks, I had one for breakfast.”

That’s why we’ve hardly ever seen him for the last 7 years-his handlers at the White House have to micro-manage his image. You can’t have the Vice President of the United States barking and foaming at the mouth while he shoots lawyers in the face with a shotgun! The entire country would be traumatized. Remember how everybody freaked out when Janet Jackson exposed her titty at the superbowl?

“It’s indecent, we must protect our children from this filth!”

If people find a stray booby highly offensive, imagine how people would react to a rabid, homicidal Dick Cheney?

“Mommy, Mommy, the BOOGEY MAN’S on TV! He says he wants to boil me in a big pot with all the other children”

“Don’t be silly dear, there’s no such thing as the…OH MY GOD, DON’T LOOK AT IT HONEY, DON’T LOOK AT IT!”

Tune in tomorrow for the final installment of The Demons of D.C., where the focus of our attention will be the retarded little bloodthirsty ape that some people call their president !


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