Maniacal Musings For a Society Gone Over the Edge

A 21st Century Recipe for Weirdness


Whatever happened to hissing cockroach jewelry? Remember that? A couple of years ago some strange boutique in Salt Lake City was selling these designer cockroaches with crystals embedded in their shells… so you could look at something pretty while they dined on your lower lip.


It’s funny though, I don’t believe that line of products ever made it to the runway. I would have liked to have seen Gisele Bundchen doing the cucaracha with a cockroach crawling between her bosoms, wouldn’t you? Sexy, but in a bad-trip/Twilight Zone kind of a way. Kind of like the world of fashion in general. Have you noticed how many themes the fashion industry has borrowed from horror, science fiction and B-movies over the last few years? I only figured it out myself yesterday! My girlfriend and I went online and looked at the photos from several different fashion shows over the last few years and this is what I came away with:


 The London Runway Show from sometime this year featured a dollop of deviant designs. The first one I saw can only be described as The Fifth Element meets The Corpse Bride… at a football game. Because the girl looked like The Corpse Bride, the outfit looked like some Battlestar Gallactica uniform, and for the crowning touch it had these monstro shoulder pads attached to it. Why? In case Mars Attacks? Who wears this shit? Another photo depicted a girl in a “designer” top that looked like it was made out of a series of kangaroo pouches. And yet another photo depicted 2 Female models dressed up like male English dandies, complete with little John Waters-style pencil moustaches. For all of your role reversal needs, look no further than The London Runway Show.


But The Victim fashion show was more to my liking as it featured girls whose make-up appeared to be homage to both Night of the Living Dead and those 80’s metal – chicks from the Scorpions ‘Rock You like a Hurricane’ video. Nice! I never would have thought that the fashion world would cater to the obsessions of a deranged 30-something! But just as I was getting excited about what other treasures of mutant nostalgia could possibly await me, I happened upon a girly-boy dressed like a Pierrot. You know Pierrot right? That sad-faced French clown whose heart was broken when Columbine left him for Harlequin? Never mind. The point is that this pretty boy -dipshit had Pierrot’s pants, but he was missing the rest of the ensemble. It looked incomplete! I was looking at it saying,

” that girly-boy got so high on speed-balls he forgot to put on the rest of his costume. His days in the clown club are numbered after a gaffe like that! And good-riddance! We don’t need any drug-addict girly-boys in the Clown Club! They don’t do pie like we do!


Moving right along… another show from a designer named Santa Ephigenia featured a woman whose entire face and head were covered with what appeared to be a mask of leaves from a very small palm tree. Which made me wonder, “Is this fashion or a surrealist statement of some kind??? Palm leaves? I would’ve preferred a nude woman dancing down the runway with a pipe for a head, shouting “Ceci n’est pas une pipe! Ceci n’est pas une pipe!” You know, as a little homage to Rene Magritte. Why not? It beats the shit out of palm leaves. And there are breasts involved. Can’t forget that.


And you know what else really sprang out at me? I noticed that a GREAT MANY fashion shows feature “dresses” that look exactly like my little sister’s old Snow White costume circa Halloween, 1983! And to mix things up and go a little crazy, they had the models done up in that classic drugstore Dracula make-up that we all know and love so well.  Which is fine by me, you girls can dress up like Snow White meets the Evil Dead all you like; but I thought we had that base covered with Goth Chicks. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved the whole Vampira / Elvira / Morticia Addams look; I just think it’s shameful that some of these designers would forsake those nice, tight bulging black dresses for my kid sister’s old Halloween outfit. What’s up with this trick or treat shit? Come on, fashion people, where are the tricks and where are the treats? I’m not seeing either one!


Or how about the Christian Lacroix show from spring of this year? Think chorus girls with clown pants meets New Wave Hookers and you’ve got the general idea. This guy dressed these ladies up in shit that would have made Cyndi Lauper blush! From Rainbow Brite to Rainbow Shite- just add Christian Lacroix!


My favorite show was Flower Couture by Franz Grabe from spring 2003, which included a series of garments that looked like they were specially designed for the Swamp Thing’s wife. I didn’t smell spring when I saw those outfits, I smelled swamp! And I liked it! Yep, that stuff was either fashion wear for Swamp Thing’s wife or an ensemble for a drug-addled female elf. Either way, I liked it! Sea sludge green looks so nice on a little junky waif- girl, doesn’t it? And it offsets the jaundice perfectly! I thought of it as The Springtime- Hepatitis Combo Platter! Or- I Love Hepatitis in the spring time…



Which leads me to the fundamental question of what the fuck? Fashion shows… a bunch of snooty, snotty twits gathered together to “ooh” and “ahh” over collections of ugly horeshit. And people envy and long to be rich why, exactly? So they can sip champagne and scarf down fish eggs while they watch some anorexic cocaine pixie prance around in something your 8 year-old sister once wore for Halloween? Come on folks, we have clowns, zombies, Snow White and Sci-Fi all mixed up in this fashion potpourri. Don’t you think that they could’ve come up with some truly outlandish designs with those elements in place? Why doesn’t one of these designers mix all those ingredients together and offer us a Super Model for the 21st Century… A Super Model for the End Times…Sprinkles the Zombie Space Princess! Actually, now that I think about it, forget fashion, Sprinkles the Zombie Space Princess should be a wacky new kid’s show on The Cartoon Network! She could introduce herself by cart wheeling down a multi-colored fashion runway and when she reaches the end she slaps a blueberry pie into the face of an animated Donald Trump! After which , the baby orangutan posing as his hair would hop up off his head and run away screeching… leaving a highly embarrassed Donald to feverishly run his hands all over his bald dome before he also runs off screeching! So I guess maybe fashion isn’t entirely useless, a new cartoon has just been born-Sprinkles the Zombie Space Princess! Stay Tuned.






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