Marijuana Is Always Medicinal

 

Watching TV over the last few years I always find myself wondering if there’s anyone in America who isn’t on prescription drugs. Jesus Christ, it seems like every second commercial is for some fucking medication. Like Welbutrin, the anti-depressant medication.What I don’t understand is how they’re allowed to keep advertising and prescribing this awful shit when it says right on the commercial that it may cause suicidal thoughts.

” Side effects may include abdominal pain, headaches, nausea…oh yeah, and suicidal thoughts!”

An anti-depressant medication that may cause suicidal thoughts.Doesn’t that kind of defeat the fuckin’ purpose?!? How in the name of Shiva is this shit still on the market and still being allowed to advertise? Is there anything the F.D.A WON’T APPROVE? Besides medical marijuana ? And what kind of Doctors prescribe this shit for their patients? Other than Jack Kevorkian and Dr. Doom?!? It makes me wonder how many times the following scenario may have transpired:

” Sniff, sniff-sob… hello…doctor… Tommy’s dead. He killed himself…sniff,sniff… How could you have kept prescribing Welbutrin for him when you knew it could cause suicidal thoughts?”

” Yes, Mrs. Glockenspiel, I know, and I’m very sorry for your loss. But look on the bright side…at least he’s not depressed anymore!”

Why don’t they just bring out a commercial that says, ” Suicide cures depression?” Because that would leave out the middle man, wouldn’t it? How would these diabolical shitheads make any money draining the accounts of depressed people if they bi-passed the dangerous drugs and simply topped themselves? And here’s the obvious, most unbelievable part of it:The people who are getting this medication are depressed and possibly suicidal to begin with, and what do these pharmaceutical companies do? Give them drugs that can increase their suicidal thoughts! Is it just me? What the fuck’s going on here?!?

Or how about Paxil CR ? Do you remember their little slogan?

” Thanks to Paxil, I’m back to being me.”

Really? Well, what exactly were you before you were you? Riddle me this Batman. Maybe a more honest commercial would have featured Casper The Friendly Ghost saying:

“Thanks to Paxil I put Daddy’s gun in my mouth and blew my brains out all over the bathroom walls! And I was only 8 years-old !!!”

Another one I used to love were those Zoloft commercials with that miserable little oval thing. Remember him? All of his little oval buddies were having a wacky little oval party while he sat in the corner crying. I used to wonder what the fuck that little oval thing was, until one day it hit me- he’s a manic-depressive cupcake! And from that day forward I’d see that commercial and I’d think,” fuck the Zoloft, where can I buy a manic-depressive cupcake?” I wanted to get him high- cheer the poor little cunt up, you know? I mean, what’s the world coming to when we have unhappy cupcakes? And we eat the fuckers, so their unhappiness could spread to us!

And the latest news is that epilepsy medication may cause suicidal thoughts too! Depressed people are way too easy! The Pharmaceutical industry needed a bit of a challenge, so they decided to fuck with the epileptics too! Isn’t that sweet? So when the poor bastards aren’t falling on the ground having seizures and choking on their own tongues they’re feeling suicidal! Well, at least these drug companies aren’t prejudiced! Maybe one day they’ll devise a way for us to all feel suicidal, wouldn’t that be swell? We could all drink the Welbutrin-spiked kool-aid together and go zipping off to that big Jones Town in the sky.

I don’t get it folks. All of this shit that they advertise has serious, possibly fatal fucking side-effects. They have all of this astounding technology but they just can’t seem to invent a medication with no harmful side- effects! Yet the controversy about medical marijuana rages on! Here’s my question- where’s the fuckin’ controversy? The only side- effects from marijuana are GOOD ONES:

“Side-effects may include uproarious laughter, profound insights and the munchies!”

That sure beats the fuck out of suicidal thoughts, doesn’t it, kids? Anyway, if someone has some debilitating, fatal disease and the only thing that alleviates their pain is weed, then who the fuck is ANYONE to tell them they can’t use it? You realize who’s behind this bullshit don’t you? Pharmaceutical companies and their lobbyist lap-dogs, lobbying the F.D.A on behalf of their oh -so- caring corporate keepers.This is how these fuck-holes think:

 “How will we continue to filch a gullible public if they’re medicating themselves with a plant that they don’t even have to buy ?!? They can grow it themselves. And it has no serious side-effects. Side effects are our bread and butter! We pimp drugs with side-effects so we can pimp more drugs to combat the side-effects! It’s a win-win situation, and no goddamn pot-heads are gonna fuck with it!”

Isn’t it reassuring to know that our health is in such kind and capable hands? Now, at this point I should probably clear something up. I’m not merely advocating medicinal marijuana, because in my experience marijuana has always been medicinal- it’s an antidote to society’s horseshit! For instance, when I see a commercial for Plavix and I’m stoned off my ass, I always wonder why they keep calling medications things that belong in fucking science fiction films! Plavix shouldn’t be a heart medication whose possible side-effects include abdominal bleeding…Plavix should be a little robotic, crime-fighting, cartoon platypus. People shouldn’t be putting Plavix into their bodies, Plavix should be put on the big screen, saving the world of the future from giant mutant possums !