Here’s a sample of what you can get at my new webstore on cafepress…
Get this great design and others on shirts and other items.
To see them all go to…
http://www.cafepress.com/whimzoid
Get ‘em while they’re HOT, HOT, HOT!!!
Aug
07
Aug
05
CELEBFREAKSHOWWITHGENESIMMONS.mp3
I’ve been spending a lot of time with BeBo The Midget Comedian, so if I’m not here some days I’m hanging with him.
Aug
01
The subject of tainted food has cropped up over and over again throughout the last few years sort of like Carrot-Top: Just when you thought it was safe, there it is again! What a frightening individual he is. He’s like some Frankenstein creation- Popeye’s arms, Little Orphan Annie’s hair, and the face of an incredibly ugly woman! I’d feel safer receiving a colonoscopy from a drunken, inbred, banjo-player!
The latest food scare involves Salmonella in the hot peppers… because nothing says La Cucaracha like a good dose of Salmonella, right kids? The last scare I remember before the hot peppers was that popcorn can give you lung cancer. What the fuck? What’s next? Marshmallows causing M.S.? Hot dogs giving us Lupus? It used to be meat that caused all the problems, now it doesn’t matter what it is. Every time you stick some shit in your mouth, you could be feasting on your own impending doom. Comforting, isn’t it? But the meat industry is still a major concern, just check out Howard Lyman’s website if you don’t believe it. Remember him? Oprah got in trouble with the ranchers for having him on her show a few years ago. Mull over this little fucked-up fact gleaned from Lyman’s madcowboy.com:
“Cattle feed now contains things like chicken manure and dead cats.”
Nice! Speaking of chicken manure, did you know that 90% of chickens who have been raised on factory farms are typically fed with their own shit? Then again, nobody ever said that chickens were smart… except maybe “BOY” from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. Can you imagine Foghorn encouraging BOY to guzzle some of his own waste? “I say, I say, hey boy, how come ya ain’t eatin’ yer own shit?!? How ya gonna grow up ta be a big, strong rooster like me if ya don’t eat yer shit?” And then BOY would draw a diagram on a chalk board that he just pulled out of nowhere depicting himself eating his own shit and then puking and keeling over.
And of course we can’t forget Mad Cow Disease. The subject of Mad Cow disease is like a case of herpes, it never fully goes away. Good old BSE… what does that shit stand for again? Bovine Snuffleupagus disease or something? Every time I hear the term B.S.E. I always envision a shaky Snuffleupagus covered in tumors saying, “help me Big Bird, please…apply some of this ointment to my tumors…you’re the only one who can see me.” Actually B.S.E. stands for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy., and it turns your brain into a chunk of Swiss cheese. Have you ever seen the footage of the poor, unfortunate cows afflicted with that shit? They can’t hold up their own weight with their quaking, unsteady legs. They just keep falling down. Do you know what causes B.S.E.? Farmers feeding cows to cows. It’s true, some of these guys serve ground- up beef remnants in the cattle feed that contains bits of bovine brains. In the past certain cannibalistic tribes have gotten the human equivalent of B.S.E. from ingesting human brain tissue. They call it Creutzfeldt Jakob’s Disease. Good old Creutzfeldt Jakob’s Disease, or C.J.D… doesn’t C.J.D sound like some hillbilly who’s trying to make his name sound urban? “Ha, ah’m CJD! Used ta be C.J. ’til ah moved to the big city!!!”
This is why I want to buy a farm and raise my own crops and livestock. I wouldn’t feed the poor whores bits of their fellow cows’ brain matter, that’s for fucking sure. Shit, I don’t even think I could eat the bastards if I had to kill them myself. Have you ever looked in a cows eyes? They’re so goddamned benevolent looking, it’s no wonder the Hindus consider them sacred!
Jul
31
I think these comic books say it all, don’t you? It’s the perfect summary of politics in America. I see a whole line of political comics sprouting up after this…Imagine some of the titles: The Astounding Bureaucrat - He Actually Does What He Says He’s Going To Do ! Every issue would feature him following up on a different campaign promise, and finish with scenes of balloons and streamers swirling amidst the wild crowds, applauding and cheering the man who gets things done.
Or how about The Astounding Bureaucrat’s polar opposite… Politici-Man… the superhero who simply talks all those nasty villains into submission: “No more empty promises, please, I’ll do anything you say, just take me away from his infernal blathering!!!”
Or how about The Immortal Reagor, an everlasting Ronald Reagan who temporarily disables the enemies of democracy by projecting a wave of forgetfulness over them, before pummeling them into pinko-commie pulp with his mutant Republican monster arms. Reagor is assisted in his crime-fighting capers by his faithful sidekick The Rememberer, who constantly reminds Reagor about all the naughty people he has to pulverize.
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But my favorite idea is a special edition of Marvel Team-Up featuring Senator John McCain as McThing and Senator Barak Obama as ObaMan…
Jul
28
Jul
26
Listen to the commercial here…
http://www.filefreak.com/pfiles/67529/Celebrity%20Freak%20Show%20With%20Mickey%20Rourke.mp3
Jul
26
I lived in Hawaii last year and for 8 months of that year I suffered from the worst allergies I’ve had since I was a little kid .Every spring it was the same fucking story, as soon as winter drew its last cold breath and new life began blooming, that was my cue: I’d wake up with my eyelids caked shut with dried shit while snot poured out of my nostrils like melting vanilla frosting. I’m allergic to the dawning of new life, but give me a cold, dead, barren environment and I’m golden.
Now, I moved to Hawaii because I figured that this world is pretty well fucked, so why not face the End Times in Paradise? I still think it’s a terrific idea, I just wish I wasn’t allergic to it! As a matter of fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that when I die and go to Heaven I’m going to immediately start sneezing and coughing up piles of putrid shit, at which point I’ll say,
“You know what St.Peter, FUCK THIS ANGELS AND HARPS SHIT-send me to fucking Hell! I know I’m not allergic to brimstone!”
And when I arrive in Hell the devil will be a redneck televangelist with a slick smile and a mullet … which just so happens to be a hair-style that is still strangely popular in Hawaii. It’s true; Hawaii is like the island of lost trends. They sure have some good weed though. Which made it all the more bizarre when I saw a Filipino lesbian with a mullet and a mouthful of chewing tobacco drive by in a green monster truck with those ludicrously large cartoon tires!
And many people in Hawaii are extremely large individuals… and not large like mainland Americans are, but large like the fucking Rock! You encounter these giant walls of animated muscle lumbering towards you, which can really be intimidating when that wall of muscle is a woman. And it often was. They even have a name for these brutish bitches, they call them “Tittas “, and although I’m not exactly sure what that means, they certainly have big tittas, so maybe that’s it. All I know is that some of those women looked like they could easily devour someone like me and shit out my skeleton in a matter of seconds.
But what about that Aloha spirit I hear you cry! Let me tell you something about the aloha spirit: for us Mainlanders the aloha spirit lasts until you start looking for a job, then it’s a case of “Did I say aloha? Sorry, I meant to say FUCK YOU! My bad!” I couldn’t even get a job washing dishes: “Well, you certainly have all the qualifications necessary to wash dishes- 2 arms and eyesight… but unfortunately for you, you’re white!” Or, as they call us white people, howlie.
At one point I got so fucking frustrated trying to find a job out there that I was actually thinking about purchasing a werewolf costume and eating their children! And then howling at the moon with the blood of the innocent dripping from my chin-” Now ya got a good goddamn reason to call me a howlie, don’t ya, motherfuckers?!?”
Anyway, Hawaii is home to some goddamn gorgeous women. Anywhere you go you’re surrounded by a sea of tits. Who needs a job when you’re living in a sea of tits? There’s a dream no straight man wants to wake up from, huh?
“Honey, time to get up and go to work…”
“Fuck that shit; I’m swimming with the titties!”
Well, it sure as hell beats swimming with the fishes. Anyway, towards the end of my stay in Hawaii I experienced several things that were downright freaky. The first one happened when I was driving up to a ranch where I was assisting in the pyrotechnics displays for a 4th of July party. On the road up to the ranch I saw a spectacle that belonged in a fucking Rob Zombie movie: a goat had been hit by something and it was literally splattered all over the place…A horn here, a hoof there and a whole lot of blood and guts in-between. I was looking over my shoulders expecting to see a group of deranged Mansonoids charging at my car! I can’t tell you how strange it was being in such a beautiful environment and simultaneously staring at a scene straight out of a Francisco Goya painting.
The second freaky thing happened that night after the fireworks display, and it almost made the sight of the pulverized goat pale in comparison… a phenomenon that I had never considered before in my entire life; Asian line dancers! I don’t know why, but I had never previously entertained the notion that one day I may encounter a group of oriental hillbillies. I know now that I hadn’t truly lived until I saw those old geriatric Japanese guys with Stetsons and cowboy boots on, gettin’ jiggy with a number of other people who also looked like they shouldn’t be! I had to bite my tongue at the time, because I was drunk and started thinking to myself, “Shouldn’t you guys be carrying samurai swords and doing back-flips off of roof-tops and then silently gliding to the ground like graceful little birds?!? What’s with this line-dancing shit?”
Another freaky thing involved going to a nude beach. I had never been to one before and I wanted to experience it before I left Hawaii. I had heard that the black sand beach was full of pot-smoking hippies… pot-smoking hippies and nudity? Fuck, I’m there! So I went, but what I found when I got there was something I wasn’t adequately prepared for. The first thing I did was smoke a jibber in my car, then I made my way down the rocky cliff to the black sand beach, found myself a nice little spot, spread out my towel and sat my ass down. As I looked around in my pleasantly altered state, I saw a couple to my left laid out on a blanket and behind them sat an old naked hippy with a beard ZZ Top would have been envious of. Cool. Then I looked around to my right and I saw a slobbering Pekinese, followed by another couple…the first person was an older woman, then I noticed a man with a goatee… and tits! Leapin’ lizard shit, Sandy! So I decided to go for a swim – to California! You always hear about transsexuals, but it’s a whole different story when one is sitting right in front of you stroking its goatee and rubbing sun tan lotion all over its tits! That’s the kind of thing that could turn you off breasts- at least for an hour or 2!
Actually, I really liked Hawaii apart from the drowning in my own phlegm thing and the lack of steady work. I met some pretty cool motherfuckers out there, contrary to the bullshit I just laid out for you. One of them was a midget who casually walked up to me on the beach one day and said to me” what’s up fuck-hole, want to smoke a joint?” I was hooked from the start. His name was BeBo, and he was a fucking hilarious little cunt. He contributed to my radio show a number of times with some of the most outrageous shit I’ve ever heard. So, when he wrote to me the other day, I told him I’d do anything to help him out, other than suck his little midget dick. Hence, this youtube video that he’s been having a hard time getting anyone to listen to because there’s no video to go with it. God, what a brain-dead, unimaginative world this has become. Anyway, here’s BeBo, and you’ll find the link to his site in my list. You kick ass you little fuck-hole!!!
Jul
24
I’m sure that most level-headed people would agree with me that Barack Obama is an articulate, intelligent and thoughtful politician, which seems to be all the proof that news dorks like Chris Matthews need to accuse him of having no personality. But it’s not like John Mc Cain is fucking Bob Hope or something. It’s not like he comes bounding out onto the stage and starts slinging one-liners around with Miss Piggy. We’ve been down this road before with both Al Gore and John Kerry. When did it become a political necessity for our potential leaders to be entertaining? And if that’s the criteria, how come we don’t see Carrot-Top and Gallagher make a run for The Oval Office? Sure, they’re a couple of hacks, but look at who our president’s been for the last 7 years! A coke-snorting, drunk-driving, prisoner-frying, oil-guzzling retard; the political equivalent of Eddie Munster (no offense to Eddie Munster). I suppose that’s entertaining in a rubber-necker kind of a way. Personally speaking, I found it pretty entertaining when I discovered that the Dubya in his name stood for Walker, because it lead me to nickname him Wally, which is a western European term for an idiot. I bet his middle name really is Wally, and ‘Walker’ is just another example of Republican spin-doctoring: “No, no, no, his middle name can’t be Wally, that just won’t cut the mustard. We need to make it into something a little more suave…say, for instance, Walker. Yes, Walker, that’s a suitable middle name… closely related to Wally, but with a more Chuck Norrisy sound to it. It makes him sound like a tough-as-nails kind of Wally.”
I had a strange encounter at a bar a couple of months before the 2000 presidential election that kind of under-scores my meandering point. 2 very drunken fellows were sitting beside me criticizing Al Gore, so I got involved in their conversation and asked one of them about Wally. I believe I said to the guy that Bush is “like a dumb dog with its tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth frantically humping your leg”, and the guy actually said to me, “Well, who would you rather drink with?” And I said to him, “Keith Moon…Keith Moon is who I’d rather drink with. And Keith and I would go pick up Bon Scott and John Belushi and head on over to the Playboy Mansion for a night of drunken, drug-fueled whore-mongering”. Actually, that last bit was bullshit, what I actually expressed to this person, with the seemingly kill-joy point of view, was that I didn’t think that was a good approach to deciding who should be the next Commander-In-Chief. And the guy looked at me all cock-eyed and said, “Well I know who I’d rather drink with…Bush! Fuck Gore! Bush don’t bother me with no save the planet, tree huggery-buggery, po-lit-ically correct boolsheet. Bush talk all ’bout how much fun it is to fry retards! Why, just the other day he was talkin’ ’bout how the Texas Senate was fixin’ to stop killin’ retards and Dubya told them there mutherfuckers, Hell no, I like the law the way it is!!! Kuh-ch-ch-ch! That’s muh boy raht there, man. Dubya don’t take no shit from no-body!!!” Okay, so most of that was bullshit too, but the first part of the quote was true. However it did disturb me to think that there were actually people out there who were going to be voting based solely on whom they’d rather get shitty with. Having said that, it would be pretty cool to see a president stumble out onto the White House lawn and puke all over the podium, and then start crying and talking about how his father didn’t love him. Anyway, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I considered Gore a much better candidate for president. He would have made a better candidate, but not a much better candidate. Ralph Nader would have made a much better candidate.
But let’s get back to Barack Obama, and his apparent lack of personality. What’s he supposed to do, start addressing the public with Richard Pryor-like anecdotes about freebasing Columbia and lighting himself on fire? What the fuck? I will say one thing about him though, have you happened to notice that his lips are blue? Maybe the real Obama actually drowned several years ago and the man we see running for president is actually part of some top-secret Government re-animation project directed by Herbert West. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll name Cthulhu as his running mate. Never mind negative campaigning, Cthulhu will just devour McCain with that menacing tentacled head of his.
Then again, at times Obama reminds me of that black albino chick from the Omega Man. If you removed Barack’s irises and gave him a set of hooters, he could almost pass for her double, couldn’t he? Just picture Barack with a brown robe and no irises and voila! But even this crap that I’m spewing forth doesn’t detract from the fact that the man would make an excellent president. They keep saying he has no experience. Well, Bush had no experience either, other than fucking up the State of Texas with blatant pandering to big Industry and frying women and handicapped people. So Barack has no experience of making America an unhappy place to live in… good !!! Elect Obama and his lack of personality and maybe we’ll witness his desire to do the right thing negate his lack of experience.
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Jul
23
Children and adults throughout the world are in a state of shock today, following the arrest of Saint Nicholas for war crimes in Bosnia yesterday. Over night, the man some call Kris Kringle has gone from the King of Jing-a-Ling, to the King of Kill-a-Ling. It has long been an open question about what the highly admired Santa Claus got up to with the other 364 days of the year, and now at last his diabolical double life has been exposed to the world. According to Reuters News Service, the man once known as Father Christmas had been nursing resentment toward his benevolent image and lifestyle for quite some time. “There’s only so much any man can take, even a Saint”, said Claus yesterday. “I hadn’t slept with Mrs. Claus since 1986 when I caught her blowing Jack Frost, that lousy whore. We only stayed together to keep up appearances. Ever since that happened I never had anyone to have an actual conversation with up there in The North Pole. Those elves may be cheerful little cocksuckers, but they’re dumber than reindeer shit… which was another problem in itself: Every morning for years it was the same old story, get up at the ass-crack of dawn and clean out the reindeer stalls. Do you have any idea how much your average reindeer shits throughout the course of a night? Never mind 8 of the sons of bitches. And I have arthritis goddamnit!!! Those fucking elves would never help me, the lazy little pricks. Did you know they won’t work at all until the first week of November? So I snapped, and in the early 90’s I took off to Serbia one morning after Christmas and hooked up with Slobodan and the boys. They understood me, they felt my pain, and they respected me and listened to my ideas.”
Santa has been indicted on 2 counts of genocide for the 1995 massacre of 8,000 Bosnian Muslims in the town of Srebrenica, and for the 43-month siege of Sarajevo.
An international consortium of children’s psychiatrists have joined forces and set up thousands of hot-lines around the globe offering free counseling to the millions and millions of traumatized youngsters throughout the world.
In other shocking news today…
When Superheroes Go Super-Bad
Following hot on the heels of the Batman abuse allegations come 2 new disturbing super hero revelations… The Incredible Hulk’s super-strength was apparently not caused by exposure to radiation, but rather from a hardcore cocktail of steroids, absinthe and crystal meth amphetamine that one David Banner had been addicted to for decades. The shocking truth was revealed this morning following an autopsy performed on the deceased Mr. Banner, who was discovered late last night slumped over the steering wheel of his Ford Pinto, which had been parked in front of a well known meth lab in Phoenix, Arizona. Authorities had been monitoring Banner’s movements for a number of days prior to the discovery.
The Amazing Spider-Man was arrested outside of an Amazing Video porn store in Pawtucket, Rhode Island today for exposing himself to a couple of senior citizens and their border collie. “We were just out walking our little shnookums, when that weirdo swung down from the roof of those smut-peddlers and whipped out his web-slinger”, said a still shaken Margie Holstenbaum. “What is the world coming to when superheroes are turning into perverted creeps?” What indeed, Margie, what indeed.
The arrests and revelations come as part of a government crackdown on superhero vice and corruption that was announced late last week by the F.B.I.
Jul
22
I’ve been wondering lately when Chuck Norris is finally going to throw his weight behind John McCain. I mean, they were both Missing In Action, you’d think he’d be a little more supportive of a fellow prisoner of war. Old Chuck is probably still nursing his wounds over Mike Huckabee losing the Republican Party’s nomination. Speaking of old Huckabeery Hound, I had a great idea for a humorous bumper sticker during the primaries, but it came to me too late:
Anyway, fuck Chuck Norris. There’s been a lot of talk about McCain possibly selecting Mitt Romney as his running mate, and I think that would be a terrific idea, because I love making fun of that guy. I even insulted him to his face once when he was first running for Governor of Massachusetts. He was standing inside my local train station handing out fliers, and even though I didn’t know who he was at the time, I took one look at him and immediately deduced that here was your typical snake-oil salesmen; slicker than goose shit and phony as hell. So when he handed me his flier I took one look at it and crumpled it up and threw it right in the waste basket beside him. I’m sure it didn’t bother his heartless ass, but it was strangely rewarding in a teen-age kind of way.
Remember all the controversy surrounding Romney’s Mormonism? I always thought that was a crock of shit… Romney’s not really a Mormon, he’s a vampire. Isn’t it obvious? He just gets special injections from Kris Kristopherson so he doesn’t burst into flames during the daytime. Think about it, all Mitt Romney is missing is a cape and a widow’s peak. He’s already got the fangs, he made that perfectly clear during the Republican Primaries. I just wish he had flashed those fangs during one of the debates. That would’ve livened that shit up considerably. Mc Cain would have caught sight of those giant canines and declared: “Hey, hold on a minute there, Romney! Did I just see a pair of fangs inside that sneering rictus of yours?” And then Romney would have quickly clasped his hands over his lips with a look of wild-eyed terror gleaming in his eyes, and then, speaking through his hands we would have heard his muffled response: “Why, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about Senator… are you sure you’re not suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s?” And with that, Mc Cain would have whipped out a crucifix and thrust it in Romney’s face, as Romney instantly dropped his guard and began hissing at Mc Cain like a frightened, angry alley cat, declaring in a Bela Lugosi-like voice, “That’s right Mc Cain, I’m not a Mormon, I’m a vampire !!!” As he suddenly turned on his demonic Hoo-Doo/ Voo-Doo shit, and mesmerized Mc Cain, causing him to run around in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. Then Mitt would’ve turned his satanic gaze to the cameras and hypnotized the whole nation, resulting in the early declaration of a new administration openly devoted to evil. The Vampire Romney would have given us Count Chocula as his Vice President, to keep us all quiet and entertained while he carried on with the sinister business of world vampirization.
Jul
21
In the lexicon of naughty words, horseshit in particular stands out as something rather special. I’ve come to regard the term horseshit as bullshit squared. Bullshit to the second power. Consider this logic: when someone says “that’s bullshit”, they’re usually mildly amused when they’re saying it, unless they’re referring to something as “fucking bullshit”, in which case the amusement factor has lowered considerably, perhaps even vanished altogether. So, in my view, the word horseshit is directly related to the term “fucking bullshit” in its intention, therefore we have the scientific equation: horseshit = bullshit squared – Or – fucking bullshit = horseshit.
And since fucking bullshit, or plain old horseshit as I prefer to call it, is the subject of this little diatribe I’d like to make a few observations about one of the biggest piles of steaming, cultural horseshit that’s manifested its self over the last few years, and that is the creation of the disgusting demographic designated tweens. If you’re unfamiliar with this hateful term, then God bless you, the Kingdom of Heaven awaits you with open arms and moistened eyes. If you recognize the term as one originally created by J.R.R. Tolkien to describe the extended adolescence of Hobbits in their 30’s, then you are living in a fantasy world and I can hardly blame you. However, in an article from Business Week from October 2005, entitled Marketing and Tweens, Alicia de Mesa relates how “a tween is vaguely defined as a pre-pubescent between the ages of 8 to 14, 9 to 12, or 8 to 12, depending on whom you believe.” Nickelodeon, The Disney Channel and Radio Disney are the main instigators of this particular horseshit. Take the song Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston, a popular little ditty on Radio Disney. Part of the lyrics include the refrain ” you’re way too beautiful girl, that’s why it’ll never work, you’ll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it’s over…” What the fuck? That’s like exposing kids to an inconsolable Mickey Mouse, totally devastated after Minnie dumped him for Pluto, sobbing uncontrollably as he holds a razor blade up to his wrist! 8 year-olds should not be empathizing with a man expressing suicidal emotions. I’m sorry if that makes me John-Boy Walton, but come on. 8 year-olds shouldn’t even know what the fuck suicide is. But the sad fact is that not only do they know what it is, but they feel it themselves. Of course, they generally only feel that way after their dumb-fuck parents get them a prescription for some hideous behavior-modifying drugs that include suicidal thoughts as a side-effect, but still !!!
Tweens. I overheard a couple of little girls talking about the fucking real estate market on the bus the other day and they couldn’t have been more than 11. What the Hell is going on here? I was still putting on puppet shows at 11 years-old. If you had mentioned the real estate market to me at 11 years-old I would’ve immediately ran way and buried my head in the latest issue of Crazy magazine in a determined effort to drown out your horseshit. Of course, I realize that girls mature quicker than boys, but have you noticed some of these little girls nowadays? What, are they born with tits?!? When 5 and 6 year-old girls have breast tissue, something has gone seriously awry in this demented Disney world. What’s going on here? Hormones in the chicken? Maybe it’s some kind of top secret government plot in partnership with the poultry industry to deter pedophiles from preying on little girls… “Nope, that one has tits…nope, that one has tits… nope, that one has-oh GODDAMNIT !!! Where are the little girls ?!?” Surely they could have found a better technique to deter child molesters. And what about the little boys? Maybe that’s why so many of these perverted bastards stalk little boys, because they still look like little boys. We never see any 5 or 6 year-old boys with half-assed moustaches and zits walking around grabbing their junk, do we? No, we don’t, thank God, and we shouldn’t be seeing so many little girls with tits either. Call me old-fashioned, but kids should be kids. They should be playing with their toys, climbing trees and playing hide- and -go- seek, not thinking about suicide and real estate. And the fact that so many of them don’t anymore is the biggest pile of horseshit yet.
Check out my interview with The Pakistani Spectator. Follow the link above. And don’t forget to visit humorblogs.com and rate my post! Slainte!
Jul
20
This is a little something I concocted last year in Hawaii for my radio show called Rock ’n’ Roll Hell, and made into a youtube thingy.
A little word of warning it’s a smidgen grotesque, but then again the title should make that clear.
Jul
19
I watch a lot of news, and the more I watch, the more I miss Ireland. Allow me to explain; up until the last few years on the main Irish TV network (RTE), they would play old MGM cartoons as soon as the news was over. I used to love that, it’s like they were saying, “but enough o’ dat morbid shite, here’s Tom and Jerry !!!” Unfortunately, they no longer provide this humanitarian resource on Irish television, but it was a highly innovative social service that I believe should be made compulsory throughout the world. After airing any news, anywhere around the globe, there should be a mandatory screening of good, old-fashioned MGM cartoon craziness! Just think about how fitting it would’ve been after George Dubya got “re-elected” if CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and all the rest of them had been forced to play Droopy cartoons for the next 24 hours! Because Droopy’s sad and funny, just like our election process. Although at this point it is leaning a lot more heavily in the sad direction. But that just means that we need that quirky little blood hound now more than ever!!!
Anyway, since we’re on the subject of news, I think I’ve hit upon a more fair and balanced slogan for FOX News: Mercilessly Maintaining the Fiction. It’s got a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? I like it, but I’ll tell you something I don’t like, in fact it’s something I detest, and that is when FOX News periodically devotes an exclusive news story to some teenage Republican who has started up his own conservative news letter at his high school. Invariably, this goofy little prick will complain about the liberal bias that he suffers from at the hands of his peers.
That’s like the Fox News Network’s wet dream come true: teenage republicans. And they depict these pimply little pompous pinheads as some kind of heroic rebels unfairly suffering from some phantom liberal bias at their high school. I’m sorry to break the news to you folks, but it’s not a liberal bias that they suffer from; it’s a fucking geek bias!!! They’re nerds. But they’d get better treatment if they were plain old D and D geeks or Trekkies, you can bet your ass on that!
That’s the real reason these little shmucks get picked on – what kind of normal kid wants to talk about the Voo-Doo economics of the Reagan Administration?!? It’s like these kids were never kids. It’s like their mothers gave birth to 45 year-olds for fuck’s sake! These congenital dorks were listening to Rush Limbaugh when they should’ve been watching Sesame Street, and those bastards at Fox News encourage this horse shit because there’s nothing they’d like better than a nation full of little Alex P. Keaton clones! Argyle sweaters and socks, neck ties and copies of The Wall Street Journal tucked underneath their arms. Fuck that shit!
I’d like to get back to the notion of a liberal bias, particularly a liberal media bias, which is what those fuck-holes on FOX are always blathering about. How many people really believe that there’s a liberal media bias in America? If anything there’s a conservative media bias, and that was going on way before FOX News came along. If there really were a liberal media bias, wouldn’t the majority of news channels be shrieking for the impeachment of George Dubya? They were all shrieking about impeaching Clinton when he lied about that blow-job, yet Bush lied his ass off about the case for war in Iraq and none of them say a fucking word about that. Perhaps I’m way off base here, but the last time I checked, blow-jobs didn’t indiscriminately annihilate vast numbers of people.
In closing, if I want to see Bill O’ Reilly’s tongue get cut off with a pair of garden shears, does that mean I have a liberal media bias?
Jul
18
I’m no stranger to the psychedelic experience, and having plunged into the canyons of my mind, I feel it is my duty to impart a wee note of caution to anyone who may be dabbling, or is even considering dabbling in hallucinogens. If you’re going to trip out, DON’T DRIVE. I’m speaking from personal experience here, kids, trust me. I used to own a cucumber green ‘77 Chevy Impala, and the thing was a veritable tank, I could’ve cruised the streets of Fallujah in perfect safety with that beast. Fuck hum-vees General, get our men and women in uniform some of these puppies!Anyway, one night in Michigan a number of years ago my friends and I dropped some acid, then we smoked a little weed as a precursor to the trip (as you do), and we topped it all off with a few beers. Then, as we started coming up on the acid, we decided that now would be the perfect time to go for a little drive. A Bill and Ted moment!!! So we climbed inside my pickle mobile and took off into the night, and everything was going just peachy until we hit the highway, because the highway runs alongside Detroit Metro Airport, and as soon as I caught sight of all those giant fire flys taking off and landing, I became an immediate danger to myself and others. But the kicker came a few seconds later when a police helicopter shined its spotlight on my car, because I thought it was a fuckin’ U.F.O!
“Holy motherfuckin’ shit, you guys – ALIENS!!!”
As I sat behind the wheel of a speeding vehicle looking up at the sky…hoping to catch a glimpse of some intergalactic space people waving at me from their magical mystery ship.
Luckily this idiotic insanity only lasted about 30 seconds before my friends got nervous… well, nervous is a tad too mild of a term to describe it, it was more along the lines of, “Jesus fucking Christ, Joe! Pull over the fuckin’ car and let Larry drive before you kill us all, you dangerous, drug-addled dipshit!!!” So you see, the psychedelic experience has it’s fair share of perils.
Getting drunk before tripping is another one. I used to frequent an alternative night club in Dublin called Fibber MaGees, and one fine night I went ahead of my friends so I wouldn’t have to pay the cover charge. I had several hours to kill, so I immediately began drinking-A LOT! At some point I bought 2 hits of acid, which was a horrible idea, because I was so shit-faced that I immediately forgot I had taken it! About an hour and a half later a situation developed that could only happen on hallucinogenic drugs: I was sitting on a bench, drunk as hell, wondering why the walls were breathing, when suddenly a gaggle of goths sat down on the bench in front of me. At first I thought they were just your average, every-day goths, because they all had the dyed-black hair, the black nail polish and the black clothing, but then as I looked a little closer I noticed their crazy eyes… yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, seated directly before me was a group of goth albinos ! And watching those crazy pink eyes dart around their heads like coked-up humming birds caused me to totally freak out! My reaction went something like this:
“AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”
And that’s when one of my buddies came along and asked me if I was alright, and all I could do was stare at the albinos and go
“AAHHHHH !!!”
Because albinos are a fucking trip without taking any drugs. You don’t have to be stoned to realize that albinos are a strange phenomenon. Seriously, anytime anyone ever sees an albino they’re secretly thinking to themselves, “God, that’s some weird fuckin’ shit…”
They always say that Roy Orbison was an albino and that he dyed his hair black and wore sunglasses to hide the fact. Sometimes I wonder how different the world would be today if Roy Orbison had been normal and Frank Sinatra had been the albino. Just think, we’d be referring to Old Pink Eyes right now. There’s a bizarre thought for ya. Imagine how differently people would have reacted to him; “Wow, that freak can really croon…listen to the voice on that thing ! Boy, he sure is a weird looking fuck though, isn’t he? I wouldn’t invite him into my home, but he’s got a voice like a velvety-throated angel.” Old Pink Eyes… and he’d be joined onstage by albino versions of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. Of course, they wouldn’t have been called The Rat Pack if that was the case. They would have had to settle for the less sophisticated title of The 3 Blind Mice, as they stumbled around the stage squinting while searching for their smokes.
Jul
17
Can someone please tell me when we made the leap from citizens to consumers? I was watching a press conference a few months ago when the Bush Administration were discussing their upcoming economic stimulus program, and one of those governmental goons instructed the American public to be “good consumers” with their stimulus checks. Like we’re their little puppy dogs: “Ya want a tasty treat boy? There ya go Rex, now run along and be a good consumer!” Rokay Raggy! It reminded me of that sickening moment a couple of weeks after 9-11 when Bush announced to the nation that Americans needed to go out and start buying things again. Remember that? He may as well have told us to stop cowering under the blankets, cowboy up and go buy a new Land Rover. When I heard him puke that one out, I was thinking to myself, Okay, we just witnessed Die Hard 4-for real… and this asshole wants me to go out and buy some shit to make it all better. Well, guess what, shit head, the only thing I want to buy right now is a fucking fall-out shelter! You’ve got an ass-load of money, why don’t YOU go buy some shit?!? And while you’re at it, go buy us some shit too, you prick!
Just go buy some shit, it’ll make all the demons disappear. Works better than an exorcism.
So anyway, the‘gubmint’ gave us stimulus checks in the hopes that all of us worker drones would rush out and be good consumers. You know, just go on a crazed shopping spree, and help boost the economy… as the price of oil sails over head and a gallon of milk costs more than a lap-dance. Personally, I think that the upper one percent of extremely wealthy bastards, whom Bush services like a porn-film fluffer, should be the ones who get shamed into spending their money. Why hasn’t he been encouraging them to go out and buy some stools made from stuffed whale penises to put in their newly refurbished bars on their brand new yachts? Surely that would help the economy a little more than me going to Wal-Mart and buying some new crockery!?!
So when did the American public make the Orwellian transition from good citizens to good consumers? I think it all started with the Reagan Administration. As much as people still ridicule Jimmy Carter’s presidency, at least there was an underlying sense of attending to the common good. When Reagan came along all that flew out the window. That was pansy-pinko-commie bullshit. The common good became the good of the corporation, as people were encouraged to become money-grubbing, coke-snorting Yuppie twats, out for number one and fuck everybody else. Think about it this way, a good citizen would help an old lady cross the street… a good consumer would ask her for 10 bucks first: “Gotta help the economy Grandma, so cough up those green-backs or find your own way across.”
Remember the old Batman TV show with Adam West and Burt Ward? They were always encouraging people to be good citizens. Imagine if they had encouraged people to be good consumers instead? So long kitschy fun, hello William F. Buckley Jr.! That thought makes my skin crawl, and so does all this yammering on about being good consumers. Never mind being a good consumer, let’s get back to being good citizens, and we can start by impeaching that war-mongering, oil-sucking dipshit at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, before he gets away scot-free! You don’t want to let Batman and Robin down, do you?
Jul
17
Doesn’t Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac sound like a hillbilly hooker and her pimp? Taken together, they conjure up images of Daisy Mae and Li’l Abner fleeing Dogpatch in search of a better life in the big city, only to end up hopelessly engulfed in a degenerate web of prostitution and drug addiction. And they’re propped up and kept afloat by a corrupt Joe Friday figure, who we’ll just refer to as Ben Bernanke. Doesn’t Bernanke sound like some kind of unpleasant disease? I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get Bernanke. It sounds like something that might cause your testicles to turn green and fall off. Of course, as far as I know, Bernanke isn’t a disease, he’s the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, which is a kind of National disease. Ahh, the Fed. What the fuck is the Fed anyway? We’re all supposed to reverently heed its financial proclamations without knowing a fucking thing about it. Well, I’ve been doing a little research kids, and I’ve found out some interesting, albeit disturbing things about the Fed. The following information was culled from a talk that was given by G. Edward Griffin and transcribed on bigeye.com.
The Federal Reserve was created by 7 fat-cat rich-fucks at a privately owned island in Georgia called Jeckyll Island, although Hyde Island would have been more appropriate. Now, back in 1910, the American public was in an uproar over our banking system, particularly over the concentration of wealth at the hands of a few banks. So a special committee was formed on the basis of recommending legislation to Congress in order to reform banking in America. It was called The National Monetary Commission and unbeknownst to the American public at the time, its membership comprised around a quarter of the wealth on planet Earth. Their Chairman was Republican Senator Nelson Aldrich, a man who was rawther cozy with one J.P. Morgan, followed by Assistant Secretary of the Treasury Abraham Andrew. Then there was Frank Vanderlip, aka Frankie the Lips, President of one of the biggest banks in America – The National City Bank of New York, who represented the financial interests of Billy Rockefeller and the international investment firm of Kuhn, Loeb and Company. Also representing America’s best interests incorporated were the senior partner of the J.P. Morgan Company, one Henry Davison, as well as Charles Norton, who was El Presidente of another monolithic empire – The First National Bank of New York, not to mention good ole Benny Strong, the head of J.P. Morgan’s Banker’s Trust Company . And last, but certainly not least, was Paul Warburg, the man whom Daddy Warbucks was modeled after. Warburg was a partner in Kuhn, Loeb and Company and was the earthly representative of the Rothschild clan in Britain and France. He also happened to be one of the wealthiest men on earth. Phew!
So these guys got together in secret and decided to stop competing against one another and they formed an unholy alliance which pretends to be part of the government but is actually a cartel of banks protected by law. That was a hell of an arrangement those bastards brokered: unanswerable to the government, funded by the tax payer and in control of our money! What a deal! And we wonder why the economy is fucked.
Why did Congress go along with this shit? Well, it meant that Congress didn’t have to explain itself to the taxpayer about what it needed their money for anymore. It could just go skipping along to the Fed, the Fed would write them an imaginary check, then they’d go skipping along their merry way and have the bank cash their imaginary check. To paraphrase G. Edward Griffin there was no money until Congress went to the bank and cashed the motherfucker. Paper money isn’t tangible like silver or gold. It doesn’t get dug out of the ground, it gets printed up, and the Federal Reserve wins by propping up the sham banking system which makes money from us out of nothing. We get loans from the bank on the strength of our own initial investment, and the banks make money from the interest on the loan. Those fuck-pigs prosper and prosper while most of us teeter on the edge of the economic precipice, balancing on one leg, hoping no strong winds come along. It’s enough to give you a Military Industrial Complex. Incidentally, if I have a Military Industrial Complex, does that mean there’s a doctor somewhere who can prescribe me some inner peace? And how much will that cost? My fuckin’ soul ?!?
Jul
15
So it finally happened- InBev has taken control of Anheuser-Busch for a reported $52 billion. Budweiser is now owned by the Belgians and the Brazilians. Good! Maybe they’ll decide to make that rancid shit taste better! That shouldn’t be difficult. I don’t know why people are so upset about this hostile take-over, how is this any different from the rest of foreign-owned-America-Land? At least Belgium produces some of the best beer in the world. Does that make me Un-American? Actually, I don’t give a shit if it does. Let’s be honest about it folks,
Budweiser sucks and it always has. King of beers, my ass, the only kingly part of it sprays out of your bung-hole when you’re perched upon the porcelain throne the next morning. Bud Mud they call it, and for damn good reason! That’s why I don’t drink that putrid, diseased filth anymore. It’s only slightly ahead of Natural Ice in the grimly unpleasant morning after department. Think about it, if Natural Ice is so fucking natural, then how come the results the next day are so unnatural? Unless of course it’s natural for you to SHIT FOAM! Lots and lots of sputtery, shitty foam. Headaches and vomit are bad enough, but who the hell wants that added bonus feature? The foamy, satanic shits from hell! Sounds like some experimental Norwegian Black Metal band. The Foamy Satanic Shits From Hell - Live at The Whistling Asshole this Friday night!
But let’s get back to Budweiser. I think it’s a damn shame that the Dutch didn’t buy that shit. The Dutch might have thrown bales and bales of marijuana on top of the yeast and hops, mixed it all together and then delivered us something that deserves to be called Bud! Bud Beer …and fans of Bud Beer would be referred to as alcohigh-ons and their official mascot would be a Clydesdale with a mane of dreadlocks, a pair of blood-shot eyes and a big goofy grin on his face!!! Who the hell wouldn’t want some of that? What a valuable service they would be providing the world with! The ability to get stoned and drunk on one substance, and not have to worry about lung cancer!!! Sweeeet! But that’s being optimistic and hopeful. The pessimistic and paranoid view might argue that those devious Dutch dicks would load their beer vats up with tons of tulips and change the name of their beloved product to Bulbweiser . And then, just to add insult to injury, they’d put a goofy little tulip logo on every can and bottle. It would end up being some sinister Dutch plot to turn us all into twinkle-toed tulip lovers. And the next thing we know, our new national hero would become the late Tiny Tim, and we’d all be sliding down that slippery slope to Communism, as Tip-Toe Through The Tulips became our new National Anthem! We won the Cold War years ago, we can’t allow those Dutch bastards and the ghost of TinyTim to lead us down that perilous pathway to some sinister Communist dystopia. Why, Ronald Reagan himself would rise from the dead and start feasting on the living if such an abomination were to transpire. We can’t have that shit!
But seriously folks, fuck Budweiser. It’s not our national beer, it’s Missouri’s beer. And even if it was our national beer, would you actually drink a shitty beer just because you thought that made you patriotic? What if Natural Ice were the national beer? Would you hum God Bless America as that foamy mess sprayed out of your hind-quarters? What are you, retarded? Anheuser-Busch is a corporate entity which has no feelings – it doesn’t care about patriotism or America! It’s only concern is keeping their shareholders happy, and this little buy-out has done that, so fuck Budweiser - go drink something good!
The Lord Of Dorkness
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Categorized in Humor and Social Commentary
Tags: comicon, dorks, Funny, geeks, Humor, Lord of Darkness, Mark of the geek, nerds, twiggy, william shatner